Scored Essay Examples
On this page you will find four examples of how the essay could have been written. Essays are shown with scores of 4, 3, 2, and 1. Again your goal is to score either a 3 or 4. This example of the essay was provided by from the California Department of Education's CAHSEE website.
Note: You can pass with a writing score of 2, but you need to do very well on the rest of the language
arts session of the exam.
Scoring 4 Points
Would you enjoy taking your classes at the city dump? Trash is not beautiful.It is a well-known
fact that students learn better when they’re in a clean environment.To be attractive, trash on our school ground must be picked up.The importance of picking up trash is to beautify our campus and make our school a healthier place to learn.
We want our campus to be attractive and clean, right?When rival schools come to compete against us, we don’t want them going home criticizing us because of our campus.We want to keep our campus clean to show that we’re not slobs and are educated enough to pick up our own garbage.
Who would want to eat lunch inside a dumpster?Or exercise in a gym that smells like rotten eggs and spoiled milk?We need a campus that will make it easier and healthier to learn.Would essays show the student’s best if they brainstormed ideas while looking out the window at old food, used bandaids empty soda cans and gum wrappers?The way this campus looks influences the
way we perform in our classrooms.To get the maximum quality work done, we need clean and sanitary workspaces.
In conclusion, picking up any trash around school will be beneficial to everybody, especially
us.If you see a piece of a paper blowing around stop it with your foot and bend down, pick it up, then throw it away.There’s no reason why our campus needs to be anything other than attractive.With everyone’s help, it can be attractive and provide a better learning atmosphere.
Scoring 3 Points
Nobody would like it if people stopped picking up trash and let our school become filled with trash
and let our school become filled with trash.It is very important to keep our school clean to provie an appropriate learning environment.If everyone would out our school would look more attractive.
A clean school campus would offer a nicer and appropriate learning environment.A dirty school makes it hard to concentrate on schoolwork.If trash covered the caompus students might be looking classroom window for what awaits them after class and wondering why someone is not cleaning it up.A clean school would help the students concentrate so grades might raise not only making the school look better on the outside but academically as well.
No one enjoys being in a dirty environment.Before school, snack, lunch, and after school would be much less enjoy-able to both the students and faculty if our campus was dirty.People do not like eating in trash filled lunch areas and so there would be more students leaving school permitted or not for lunch.Bascially, students and teachers would not be able to stand being in a dirty environment during school hours.
In conclusion living environments are kept clean and so it is equally important to keep learning environments clean as well.Both the students and faculty spend large portions of their days here so to make school a little better and more attractive our school needs to be kept clean.It would be easy if everyone just did their part.
Scoring 2 Points
The important of getting rid of garbage on school camps is very important.The importance
of getting rid of the garbage is making are school look nice, give less work for the teachers and janitors to do.Another reason it is important because if I don’t look oke people are going to think
that it isn’t a good school.
I think that this a good subject to write on because the trash on school campus is terrible.School campuses have a lot of garbage because people don’t care about throwing there trash away.But people need to think more reasonsivly because they are destroying the earth if they do not pick up there garbage. So people from now on when you have garbage don’t throw it on the ground throw it in the garbage can.
Another reason it is important for people not to litter because this where we live and we don’t need
to destroy where we live.Pluse what would other people come to our school meaning the district office people think of us if we just left our trash all over the ground that would make us look bad.
Scoring 1 Point
It would be a good idea to clean up over envirement, maybe if there was more trash cans well you could make our schlool cleaner if just everybody picked up on thing our schlool would not be 3/4ths clean that’s how bad our mess has gotten to who wants to attend a school that’s nowfor the trash and ants and roaches etc.No one does that’s why we should clean our school & our great reward in the end a clean & safe and healthy envirement and school.
How to Write a Successful “Why X School?” Essay Without Ever Having Visited the Campus
Perhaps one of the most difficult essays to write when applying to colleges is the “Why X School?” Essay. Odds are, you don’t have distinct reasons to want to attend X and you haven’t even set foot on the campus. How can you possibly convince a college you want to attend when you yourself don’t even know? The first thing to note is that you’re not answering why you want to attend a school; rather, you are answering why you are a good fit for the school (and by implication if you’re a good fit then likely you should want to attend). The specific way to tackle the prompt varies with the word limit essay:
Essays Shorter Than 250 Words
If you only have 250 or fewer words to work with, you have to be short and to the point. One way to write your essay is to find a unique characteristic or essence of the school that sets it apart from others. For example: UChicago has a market-oriented economics curriculum, NYU has one of the most diverse student bodies in the country, and Tufts is extremely artsy with an eclectic range of activities. Then, your task is to show how your personality matches the unique characteristics of the school. For example: you may vociferously devour The Economist in your free time, have lived in 20 different countries, or are unable to choose between your cultural cooking classes and the debate club.
Alternatively, you may focus on a certain school’s customs or a particular theme that the school emphasizes continuously and discuss how the theme aligns with your particular academic or extracurricular interests. For example, Penn stresses the importance of an interdisciplinary education, so a great response would focus on one’s desire to study both management and international relations and the intersection between the two.
Keys for Short Responses: Do simply not name-drop professors or research unless you have demonstrated significant and impressive accomplishments in the same field as that of the research. You must also explain how you plan on working with/learning from the professor or conducting research in a particular field.
Essays Longer Than 250 Words
For longer essays, you can first expand upon any technique used in a shorter essay. For example, in a short essay you may only be able to convey that NYU’s diversity aligns with your background and career interests. However in a longer essay, you can expand upon that idea and further describe how you plan to engage with NYU’s diversity, how you will fit in the school. Draw more specifically on what you’ve done or experienced so far in high school as support.
Alternatively, you can respond to a longer essay by using a vehicle as a base for your response. An example of this is to describe a particular scene or characteristic part of a school to frame a discussion about fitting in with the institution. You don’t even need to have visited a school to correctly do this. For example: For Penn, you could use observations of students walking down Locust Walk as a vehicle for discussing some academic or social aspect of Penn such as Penn students being “more social” than those at other schools. Of course, it’s always good to qualify your observations and perhaps reflect on more sides of a school. With the Penn example, you should also note that Penn students strike a balance between being academic and social (lest you become construed as misrepresenting the school).
Keys for Long Responses: Don’t get caught up in describing some particular aspect of a school to stretch out the essay. The admissions officers don’t need you to educate them about their own institution. Instead, your goal is to focus on your fit with that aspect, something the admissions officers have not yet experienced.
Zack was an economics major at Harvard before going on indefinite leave to pursue CollegeVine full-time as a founder. In his spare time, he enjoys closely following politics and binge-watching horror movies. To see Zack's full bio, visit the Team page.